"For Saddam Hussein to refuse to let U.N. officials inspect Iraqi
weapons facilities as per the terms of Iraq's 1991 Gulf War surrender is
decidedly unfunky of him," Clinton said. "While the decision to drop Da
Bomb is never an easy one, unless Saddam gets down with this whole
U.N.-inspection thang and seriously refunkatizes his stance by March 1,
we will have no choice but to tear the roof off Baghdad."
Preparations for the military strike, dubbed Operation
Supergroovalisticprosifunkstication Storm, are already underway. The
Mothership is ready and on standby at Starchild Air Force Base in
Detroit, where more than 5,000 bop gunners are making final preparations
for deployment to the Persian Gulf. Clinton has also ordered an
additional 2,500 Aquaboogie Amphibious Assault units to the Gulf,
bringing the total P-Funk Nation military presence in the region to
23,000.
According to General William "Bootsy" Collins, the primary goal of
the ground assault is to breach Hussein's presidential palace, capture
the Iraqi leader, and "put some serious funk in his trunk."
Collins acknowledged that the mission would not be easy.
"Saddam's palace is heavily fortified. In the front, it's protected
by several dozen towers manned with armed guards, and in the back,
there's a 50-foot high hump--so high you can't get over it and so wide
you can't get around it," Collins said. "Having our men attempt to
attack from the front would be suicide: If we are to have any chance of
entering the palace and funkatizing Saddam, we've got to get over the
hump. After all, if you want to capture a boogie, you've got to attack
from the back."
Despite the difficulty of the task ahead, troop morale is high. "As a
soldier in the army of Uncle Jam, I have pledged my full groovallegiance
to Commander-In-Chief Clinton," said Lieutenant Bernie Worrell of the
army's elite 72nd Promentalshitbackwashpsychosis Enema Squadron. "I am
fully prepared to give up my life for the funk. To the rear... march."
"Executing political adversaries, shunning foreigners, condemning
America as 'The Great Satan'--that Saddam is one uptight cat,"
Mothership captain Eddie Hazel said. "For too long, he has ruled Iraq
with neither a glide in his stride nor a dip in his hip. At this point,
our only remaining option is to drop a serious funk bomb on him."
Clinton's ultimatum before Parliament was met with high praise from
numerous top-ranking Chocolate City officials, including Secretary of
Education Richard Pryor, Secretary of Fine Arts Stevie Wonder and First
Lady Aretha Franklin.
"Saddam has two choices," Pryor said. "Get down or step down."
While polls indicate that Operation
Supergroovalisticprosifunkstication Storm enjoys strong support among
Chocolate City residents, many residents of the city's less funky
vanilla suburbs question its purpose.
"Why are we dropping Da Bomb on Iraq if it's only Saddam we're
after?" Peter Strosser, 37, said. "If Da Bomb is dropped on Baghdad,
the bootys of countless innocent Iraqi civilians will be tragically
loosened. Is that what we want, to turn millions of decent, reserved
Iraqis into free-spirited, dance-crazed party people? I think not."
"The effects of dropping this 50,000-megafunk bomb on a heavily
populated city like Baghdad will be devastating," said Linda Sue
Strelczyk, president of Suburbanites Against Da Bomb. "At ground zero,
the explosion will give off a horrific, blinding flash-light, causing
untold millions who look directly into it to get totally freaky."
Responding to the anti-Bomb protests among the unfunky, Clinton made
an impassioned plea for unity.
"In times of crisis such as this, we must stand united, not divided,"
Clinton said. "We must join together as one nation under a groove,
getting down just for the funk of it."