Determining fault will not help solve the root of the problem, one of the most powerful tools to
initiate this is communication. This is an exerpt from a book I'm reading entitled "Nonviolent
Communication" that you all may find compelling:
"Murderer!", "Assassin", "Child-killer!", "Murderer!"
I was presenting Nonviolent Communication in a mosque at Deheisha Refugee Camp in Bethlehem to
about 170 Palestinian Moslem men. Attitudes toward Americans at that time were not favorable. As I
was speaking, I suddenly noticed a wave of muffled commotion fluttering through the audience.
“They’re whispering that you are American!” my translator alerted me, just as a gentleman in the
audience leapt to his feet. Facing me squarely, he hollered at the top of his lungs, “Murderer!”
Immediately a dozen other voices joined him in chorus: “Assassin!” “Child-killer!” “Murderer!”
Fortunately, I was able to focus my attention on what the man was feeling and needing. In this
case, I had some cues. On the way into the refugee camp, I had seen several empty tear gas
canisters that had been shot into the camp the night before. Clearly marked on each canister were
the words “Made in U.S.A.” I knew that the refugees harbored a lot of anger toward the U.S. for
supplying tear gas and other weapons to Israel.
I addressed the man who had called me a murderer:
I: Are you angry because you would like my government to use its resources differently? (I didn’t
know whether my guess was correct, but what is critical is my sincere effort to connect with his
feeling and need.)
He: Damn right I’m angry! You think we need tear gas? We need sewers, not your tear gas! We need
housing! We need to have our own country!
I: So you’re furious and would appreciate some support in improving your living conditions and
gaining political independence?
He: Do you know what it’s like to live here for twenty-seven years the way I have with my
family—children and all? Have you got the faintest idea what that’s been like for us?
I: Sounds like you’re feeling very desperate and you’re wondering whether I or anybody else can
really understand what it’s like to be living under these conditions.
He: You want to understand? Tell me, do you have children? Do they go to school? Do they have
playgrounds? My son is sick! He plays in open sewage! His classroom has no books! Have you seen a
school that has no books?
I: I hear how painful it is for you to raise your children here; you’d like me to know that what
you want is what all parents want for their children—a good education, opportunity to play and
grow in a healthy environment...
He: That’s right, the basics! Human rights—isn’t that what you Americans call it? Why don’t more
of you come here and see what kind of human rights you’re bringing here!
I: You’d like more Americans to be aware of the enormity of the suffering here and to look more
deeply at the consequences of our political actions?
Our dialogue continued, with him expressing his pain for nearly twenty more minutes, and I
listening for the feeling and need behind each statement. I didn’t agree or disagree. I received
his words, not as attacks, but as gifts from a fellow human willing to share his soul and deep
vulnerabilities with me.
Once the gentleman felt understood, he was able to hear me as I explained my purpose for being at
the camp. An hour later, the same man who had called me a murderer was inviting me to his home for
a Ramadan dinner.
Just a little food for thought. I believe the only way the world will get beyond our differences
is when each person personally takes on the responsability to hear and understand the needs and
feelings of others and apply that knowledge to the daily choices they make.
This book teaches practical tools that really produce results.
The link to the site is below:
http://www.nonviolentcommunication.com
Thanks again.
Andrew
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